So, in the midst of watching this video by Ralph Smart, I started crying because of the pressure I feel from my family regarding my post-grad life. There is a lot of stress building up inside of me.
I have been noticing a trend where my parents tell me what they think I should do, or what they would prefer that I do. Lately I have been wondering if there is some deeper psychological reasoning behind this. For example, when I said I would like to be a massage therapist, my mom said, “you could just do that on the side, or for fun”. And when I spent the weekend supporting a Sound Healing Therapist at the Mind Body Spirit Expo, she said “Yes, you will get a job, but I’d rather you don’t sell bowls at a Flea Market.”
I do understand that my college education was worth a lot of money, and that my parents spent money to help put me throught it. But I wish they could be a bit more supportive of my true feelings. Or the idea that doing something I love will make me 100 times more successful. Anyway, the principle I was pondering has something to do with personal regrets, or personal wanting to “live vicariously through me”. I know that she wants me to succeed, but it seems that the advice she gives me is often coming from a place of pressure and worry rather than love and support. I hope I do not sound like a brat. I just want to aim my life in the positive, conscious direction. It is ok to recognize the things that upset me and try to think of a solution.
And my mom is not the only person that has been bothering me lately. My uncle (her brother) as well. He works for a large oil company and he is a very intelligent engineer. I love him, but I never say it because he has never said it to me. Also, he is very uptight and likes to interrogate family members sometimes. After watching this video though…:
I was feeling pretty good about my whole uncle situation. I was telling myself that he wants the best for me, but he always tells me to apply for 50 jobs, and that I should have already applied to 50 jobs by now. Well after watching the video, I learned that “we have the power to choose whether or not we want to invite this person into our temple, which is essentially, within ourselves.” So yes, I wholeheartedly agree and I felt very empowered when I heard this.
But on the other hand, everything that Ralph says is ideal, and I am slowly transitioning to new life principles and ways of living. But I guess I have to be a bit more patient. Right now I am kind of like a lost dog, because I am still under the financial wing (or paw?) of my parents. And since they helped me with my college education, I do feel the need to please them or satify them at least a little bit. I need to hear them out at least. — I am super excited to be starting this book called “You Are a Badass – How to stop doubting yourself and start living an awesome life” by Jen Sincero. In the Introduction she says “This is about getting mighty clear about what makes you happy and what makes you feel the most alive, and then creating it instead of pretending you can’t have it. Or that you don’t deserve it. Or that you’re a greedy egomaniacal fathead wanting more than you already have. Or listening to what Dad and Aunt Mary think you should be doing.” As you can see, that last line really spoke to me.
I am also in an Intro to Eastern Philosophy class where we have recently covered the philosopher Mengzi. Mengzi believed that all people had essentially good seeds inside of them at birth, but it is a matter of a combination of nature and nurture (and even self nurture) that cause these seeds to grow. So, I always try to see the good in people that I come across in my daily life.
BUT it is REALLY HARD when it is my own family members, and I feel like I do not really belong. When I went to a Tantra Wisdom workshop called Free the Emotions a few months back, I asked the teacher why she came here from California. She said that she came here to take care of her dying mother. And meanwhile, she was also doing her work. I had mixed feelings about that workshop, but overall I admit it was pretty effective. Anyway, she also mentioned that there is a need for more LOVE, and spiritual, conscious people in the Philadelphia area. So I do agree, and I recognize a major need for this. (Although I’m not sure the “market” realizes their own needs for this.) But I think that in this point in my life, I need to find more spiritual teachers that can love and support me from a higher level. I am not ready to be supporting the grumpy masses of Philadelphia! (Maybe just not yet )
That was my rant for the day. I feel a lot better now. Thank you for reading.