Am I Polyamorous?

“As a species, we have not socially expected life long monogamy from one another until land ownership came about and suddenly women and children became extensions of property.” Polyamory by Teal Swan

I know this is a harsh quote to start the post with, but now that I have your attention…

I have been exploring the idea of polyamory since around 2012 when I found a book by Deborah Anapol in a New Age shop in Manhattan. I was dating a bisexual man that had also been my best friend. I wanted a way to explore my interests in other people, without having to conceal my love for him (as a good friend and partner at the time).

Now as I am a little bit older and living on my own and paying all of my expenses for the first time, I am re-evaluating my “polyamorous” identity that I held so strongly to for the past few years. I am understanding that there may be benefits to having a loving, committed and supportive partner. That’s not to say that that wouldn’t exist under the umbrella of polyamory. But for the past year I have considered myself a Solo-Polyamorist. I have been holding strong to my identity as an independent single woman and the freedom that comes with it.

“If we are afraid of intimacy because we have experienced pain as a result of forming bonds with people in the past, polyamory enables us to never have to face that fear and never have to face the fear of committing ourselves to anything.”-Teal Swan

P.S. For those polyamorists out there reading this, I suggest reading the whole article by Teal Swan here, before judging her point of view.

My first boyfriend (and the first person I kissed) from my junior year in high school recently added me on facebook. When he broke up with me before he left to go away to college, I was heartbroken and I cried and re-read the breakup text message over and over, and replayed the situations in my head, dreaming of the possibility that we could still somehow make it work. I was even afraid that I would never have a boyfriend again. Little did I know that I would go on to have at least a hundred sexual encounters and plenty of romantic relationships over the next few years. But now I am questioning my identity and digging deeper into my shadow side to find out if I still have wounds from that first innocent relationship. In a sense, I was hurt by that breakup. And ever since, I have not been seriously “broken up with”. I have always been the one doing the breaking up, or the elusive non-committal dating and ghosting. This also may just be a part of my nature and personality as a Sagittarius woman that is always shooting for the stars, running from committment and looking for the new possibilities.

That first boyfriend added me on facebook the day after the drama that happened recently between me and a monogamous couple that I had a threesome with. I had sexual relations with the male member of that couple before and after the threesome. A few months later, my subconscious must have still felt guilty, and I told the female member of the couple. She was very upset and from her point of view, I was also “cheating”. This was a mistake on my part, and I do realize that just because I am polyamorous, doesn’t mean I should let myself have sex with someone in a monogamous relationship. Of course the male member didn’t see anything wrong with it, or at least still allowed it to happen. Hence it may not have been the healthiest monogamous relationship. This makes me wonder, why I am so attracted to couples and why do I keep getting into messy situations with couples? I wonder, am I still playing out actions to help heal the wounds from that first relationship? That may be a long shot as I think I forgave him long ago, but now I am just psycho-analyzing myself. Maybe I really am just attracted to certain people that happen to be part of a couple.

Anyway, lately I have been having thoughts along the lines of, “maybe I should just cave in and become monogamous because it would be easier and would not lead me to be so confused and all over the place”.

I really love the insights written by Teal Swan, as she explores both the positives and negatives of polyamory. She says that neither monogamy nor polyamory are inherently right or wrong. She ends the article by saying that it’s most important for us to be in relationships that are in alignment with our highest good.

 

“Our own evolution will inevitably again take us back down the path of polyamory. Only this time, it will be conscious polyamory. Many people whose consciousness is awakening can already feel that this is the impending path of evolution for our species. We are meant to awaken to and practice inclusive instead of exclusive love. However, by becoming polyamorous because it is the inevitable path of evolution is to rush progression. It’s the same as trying to force a baby that is crawling to run before it is naturally ready instead of honoring that healthy monogamy may currently still be the path of highest progression for most people on earth at this time. It is not a shortcoming of consciousness to be monogamous any more than it is a shortcoming for an infant to crawl instead of run on two legs. Some of the most awakened people on this earth have chosen to be monogamous because it, and not polyamory is in alignment with their current highest good at this time. We are capable of having deep, long term, committed relationships with multiple people regardless of whether they are exclusive or not. Those of us who live in intentional communities can attest to that.”-Teal Swan

I still often miss the couple that I was casually dating a few months back. I am still in contact with them and we are all on good terms. So there is always the possibility of me having relationships with them again. The key word is relationship(s) not relationship. They are two different people, but I loved being surrounded by their loving couple energy. Anyway, I was having trouble with trying to fit myself into their couple as a third member. I was looking for more support and stability and maybe even resources than it seemed right for me to ask for at the time. I was not an equal third member and that is just the reality of this 3 dimensional life I’m living. That is not their fault, it’s just the way it was. And this may be different for other polyamorous groups of three with more time and/or resources or dynamics.

I know I live in an idealistic la-la land sometimes. And in that world, or maybe even in the 4D or 5D worlds, I wouldn’t have had that issue. But as I take a deep breath in, I can feel grateful for this life and the struggles and lessons learned here in 3D life. I still hope to be around that couple in the future, but I do have different boundaries now. Teal Swan mentioned that “becoming polyamorous because it is the inevitable path of evolution is to rush progression”. So now as a young woman that may have seedling thoughts creeping in about wanting to have a stable place to live and possibly have a child one day (gasp)… It may be realistic for me to question my polyamorous-ness, or my monogamous-ness or my own signature combination of the two if I can find a partner that aligns with my level of consciousness and world view. Even if I am not planning to have kids in the near future, I may need a more committed relationship for the benefit of my own energy and electromagnetic field. But for right now, I can just affirm to myself that I don’t have label myself in any way, or subscribe to one way of living. I can follow my heart and try to follow my emotional guidance system and align myself with my own highest good at this particular moment in time.

Peace & Love

Sincerely,

Victoria

 

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