“The kind of lying that is most deadly is withholding” – Brad Blanton, Radical Honesty
After doing a homework assignment on Google and its business structure, I learned a little bit about the way Google search works. The algorithm favors pages based on the amount of times they have been linked to by other pages. This is a way to weed out spam and prove that the linked pages are of importance to other internet users.
I am constantly growing my self, my image, my mind and ethics based on other people’s ideas and philosophies. And I don’t think of that as a bad thing. As long as I give mention to those that strongly influence me. I thought of posting a Link of the Day as an easy way to explain where a lot of my ideas come from. In addition, maybe this will help spread the influential ideas and people that I think are useful or interesting.
Three days ago, I was upset with my lover. He had slept over the night before and we had a very relaxed night of cuddling and talking. He spoke about his anger towards the abusive relationship in the movie 50 Shades of Grey, and how it’s setting an example for the rest of the world to follow. I agree with his point, and understand why he is particularly enraged. He was my first real introduction to the BDSM world, and I’m thankful for that because he is a great dom. He has never pressured me to do anything I was not interested in, and he has a great understanding of my pain tolerance and my need for plenty of before and after care. In the bedroom, we are great together and I’ve had the most phenomenal sex of my life with him (so far of course, I’m only 22). We are both polyamorous, and he has recently found a brilliant new lover. He also has a great understanding of his new lover’s pain tolerance, which is a bit higher than mine. Her higher pain tolerance is one of the initial things that caused the jealousy that ran through my mind. I saw her love marks, and saw that their new love was very much real, and didn’t seem to be fading away any time soon. I saw the beautiful black and white charcoal drawings he had done of her, and felt more pangs of jealousy and maybe some insecurity. “Am I not beautiful or awe-inspiring enough to draw nude? What is so magical about her that I do not possess?” These thoughts ran through my head, and I want to be clear, I did not have any sort of anger towards her as I know that she is polyamorous and has no intention of “stealing my man” away from me. I had more of a small flame of anger or feeling of betrayal towards my lover. I am still fairly new to polyamory, and there is something in my brain that tells me “I should not be jealous, it’s polyamory, love is bountiful.” But going along with the theme of this honest post, I’m working on becoming much more radically honest with myself and others in each and every moment. If jealousy arises, that is my emotion and I must express it. It is much easier said than done of course. I think I am usually a very honest person and I am not very good at lying. But… I think my secret alternative to lying is withholding information in fear that it may cause conflict or uncomfortable feelings.
Now back to the cold, wintry morning three days ago. I awoke to find that my first class of the day was canceled and I found my warm lover-best friend next to me. I kissed him multiple times as I often do. I was so happy to possibly have a few extra minutes to spend with him before going to my next class. His alarm went off and he started getting dressed. As he pulled his shirt halfway down his chest, I pulled his body towards me pleading “Don’t leave!”. I wanted him to stay and have fun with me and kiss me back. He told me he was on his way to go to the grocery store and then to spend the day with his new lover. Although I had plenty of other things to do that day, it made me jealous that he was leaving so soon in his excitement to see her. He asked me, “what days are you free this week? When do you get done class?” I brought out my pink scheduler/organizer notebook to see what nights I would be available. He suggested we hang out on Wednesday or Thursday, days that he had to work. I asked what about Friday? and he said I’m off that day, but I don’t know what I’m doing yet…
Suddenly, the pink notebook flew out of my hand and across the room to hit him, luckily it was fairly gently. “Ow”, he said. I ran back into my room like a little princess throwing a tantrum. I laid in my bed for a few minutes with the door open. Finally I decided to run back out and say a quick “sorry” before he left. I felt terrible for possibly hurting him, but I also felt glad that I attempted to express my feelings in the moment. Later that day I wrote him and email:
All in all, I was able to express my honest feelings in the email. Things seem to be going great now, as we have put it past us. I have plans to hang out with my lover and his new lover on Saturday night and I’m very excited! I hope to read Dr. Blanton’s book eventually and keep improving my Radical Honesty.